被别人伤害之后,你会选择报复,还是原谅?

An Eternal Dilemma:

Revenge and Forgiveness

报复和原谅:永恒的两难境地


壹心理翻译社 ◎ 荣誉出品
来源 | Zen Habits
翻译 | 搬那度
校编 | 张真Derek


– 01 –


It’s easy to get upset at someone who has hurt you — but what’s the best way to get them back? What kind of revenge, served cold perhaps, can you dream up?

被一个伤害你的人惹火,本来是人之常情。但是,如果想要对他们进行报复,什么才是最好的方法呢?正所谓“有仇不报非君子”,如果可以立即报复就最好了,那么,你能够想出什么样的报复方式呢?

I recently had someone write to me about this:

最近,有人给我写了信,信中就提到了报复的话题:


“Recently one of my family members hurt me badly. They believe I am an easy target since I don’t want to retaliate or cause conflicts. My question is should I take the risk of getting revenge, knowing that it is never ending (not the best solution) or should I forgive this person? The problem is I don’t want to let them walk over me anymore. How to make them stop and respect me? Or maybe there is another solution?”


“最近,一位家人深深地伤害了我。我的家人知道我不会报复,也不会引起冲突,所以觉得我很好欺负。我知道冤冤相报何时了,所以知道报复绝对不是最好的解决方法。我想问的是:我是该冒险去报复,还是该去原谅这个人呢?问题是,我不想再让他们踩在我身上了。我应该怎样做,才能让他们尊重我,不再伤害我?或者,有没有其它解决方法?”

There are some important issues going on here:

这位朋友,你的身上发生了一些重要的事情:


1. You’ve been hurt, which isn’t nice. It certainly doesn’t feel nice.


你被伤害了。对方这么做实在太不善良了,而且被伤害当然会让你觉得很不愉快。

2. You want to lash out at the person for hurting you. This is a natural reaction from the anger and indignation that can result from being hurt.

你很想因为这个人伤害了你而对他实施反击。一个人被伤害,自然会因为被激怒而如此反应。

3. You don’t want someone to walk all over you. This seems unfair, and seems like it’s just adding to the bad treatment.

你不希望任何人欺负你。被人恶意对待已经很糟糕了,如果还被欺负,不但对你不公平,而且还会使情况变本加厉。

4. You want to be respected.

你希望别人尊重你。

5. You are worried about the bad consequences of getting back at them.

你担心如果对他们进行报复,就会带来严重后果


I’m obviously going to argue against revenge, so I should just say that now rather than acting like it’s going to surprise you. Instead, let me present my arguments against revenge, then offer up a different approach.

我当然不会建议报复,所以我在这里就不故弄玄虚了,直截了当说清楚比较好。我会先说自己为什么反对报复,再提出不一样的解决方法。


– 02 –

A Few Arguments Against Revenge

我们为什么不该选择报复?


So why not just do what feels right, and lash out at them somehow? There are some big problems with that:

你也许会想:“何不干脆想什么就做什么,直接跟他们算账呢?”这么做的问题可大了:

1. It doesn’t actually make you feel better. Retaliating might feel good in the moment, but you won’t feel better about yourself. You’ll just be sinking to a lower level and feeling bad about yourself.

报复并不会让你觉得好过一些。报复虽然可能会让你在当下觉得很爽,但是你绝对不会为此而对自己感到更满意。报复只会让你的人性降得更低,使你对自己感到愧疚。

2. It hurts the relationship. You lash out because you’re hurt, but in doing so, you’re going to hurt and anger the other person. Your relationship actually gets worse. You might argue that it’s their fault, but actually, no, you’re contributing to this as well.


报复会损害彼此的关系。你之所以出口伤人,是因为你自己受了伤,但是你这么做也会伤害、激怒对方。实际上,你们之间的关系将会恶化。或许你会说,这一切都是对方的错,但是实际上,你自己也要负起部分责任。

3. You might argue that you don’t care, you don’t want a relationship with a person who would hurt you, and that might be true. Just be sure you’re not saying that out of anger, but you’ve calmed down and made that rational assessment.

或许你会说:“我不管!我不要跟一个伤害我的人维持任何关系!”也许你会真的这样想,但是你要先确保自己已经冷静了下来,理性地做出了评估,才能说出这样的话;这种话是不能当成气话来说的。

You’re just allowing yourself to act on impulse and fear. When we lash out at someone because they mistreated us, it’s not from a rational assessment of what will be best for us, or best for the situation. It’s an impulse that is borne from fear and anger. While this is a natural reaction, I’ve found that it’s not the best idea to just follow our impulses without pausing to consider.

你只是在允许自己冲动、恐惧地行事。当我们被别人恶意对待的时候,我们之所以对他们发火,不是因为自己已经理性地评估了自身的利益和当下的状况。发火,是一个出自恐惧和愤怒情绪的冲动反应。这种反应虽然很正常,但是我发现,跟随冲动而不停下来思考,绝对不是最好的解决方法。

This leads to impulse problems like eating too much junk food, distraction, procrastination, addiction to video games or TV, and more. Instead, we should get in the habit of pausing whenever we have an impulse, letting the fear subside, and instead considering what’s best for the situation. We shouldn’t let ourselves get caught up in a story in our heads about what this person did to us and how wrong they are. That’s not helpful.

冲动只会导致各种问题,比如:零食摄取过量、注意力不集中、拖延行为、对电子游戏或电视上瘾等等。与其陷入冲动问题,倒不如培养一个好习惯:当我们有所冲动的时候,我们应该先停下来,让恐惧情绪消退,再想出一个最适合当下状况的应对方法。我们不应该在脑子里编故事,一味想着这个人如何对待我们、犯了多大的错,因为这样的想法对自己毫无帮助。

4. It doesn’t actually make people respect you more. Lashing out in anger or fear is not a recipe for earning people’s respect. In my experience, people actually respect you less if you retaliate against others. Maybe they’ll want to be around you less. But that’s out of fear or dislike of your behavior, not respect. I tend to respect people more who can handle things maturely and with calmness and compassion.

报复并不会使别人更尊重你。因为愤怒或恐惧而辱骂别人,是绝对赢不到别人的尊重的。以我的经验来说,对他人进行报复,实际上会使别人更不尊重你。也许他们会更不愿意接近你,但是他们这么做并不是尊重的表现,而是出自他们对你的行为的恐惧或反感。我本身会比较尊重那些可以成熟、淡定、富同情心地处理各种问题的人。

5. You’re not being your bigger self. It’s easy to act on our impulses, but what we really want is to become out bigger self. That means the best version of ourselves that we can be — and forgiving ourselves, of course, when we don’t do that.

你还没成就自己的 “大我”。我们很容易就会冲动行事,但是我们实际上应该做的,就是成为自己的大我,也就是说,我们必须成为最好的自己;当然,当我们没能做到的时候,我们也要原谅自己。

The bigger self is one that forgives, is compassionate, doesn’t act out of fear or anger, and handles things maturely. This isn’t always easy to do, so we shouldn’t think of it as an “ideal” to always strive for, but as a guideline for how to act when we’re able to consider things with calmness.

我们的 “大我” 会原谅别人,会对别人同情,不会出自恐惧或愤怒情绪而行事,也会成熟地处理事情。这么做未必一定容易,所以我们不应该把这种标准当成是一个必须时刻追求的“理想”。不过,当我们能够心平气和地思考的时候,我们的行为就要符合这种标准。

So if retaliation and revenge aren’t the best ideas, what’s better?

那么,如果说报复不是最好的解决方法,那什么才是比较好的做法呢?

– 03 –

A More Compassionate Approach

更有同情心的做法

I believe a more compassionate approach is better, because:

我认为,同情才是更好的做法,因为:

  • You’re being your better self.
    你会成为更好的自己。

  • It makes you feel better about yourself.
    这样做会让你对自己感到更满意。

  • You earn the respect of others by being more mature.
    你会变得更成熟,从而赢得别人的尊重。

  • It helps your relationships.
    这样做会改善你和他人的关系。

  • It is a kind thing to do to the other person, who is obviously having difficulties.
    当对方明显遇到问题的时候,同情他们就是善良的做法。

  • It makes the world a better place, one relationship at a time.
    每一次改善自己与他人的关系,都会让世界变得更好。

You might disagree with these reasons, but I’ve found them to be true. Here’s how to do it.

你可能不会同意这些原因,但是我发现,这些理由千真万确。那么,我们该怎样做才能更加表现出同情心呢?

1. Pause instead of acting on impulse, fear and anger. Notice when you’re about to lash out from anger and fear. Instead of acting on that impulse, pause. Breathe. Take a timeout. Consider your actions before acting.

与其出自冲动、恐惧、愤怒情绪而行事,不如先停下来片刻。当你觉得快要因为愤怒或恐惧而发飙的时候,你就要注意了。不要凭着冲动行事;先停下来,深呼吸,暂时什么都不要做。在做出任何行动之前,先想想你所要做的行动。

2. Stay with the physical feeling, instead of the story. When you’re angry or afraid, there is a story in your head that’s causing it (“They’re being so rude!”) … instead of dwelling on this story, bring your attention to how this feels in your body, physically.

不要停留在故事中;要停留在你身上的感觉。你的愤怒或恐惧情绪,都是脑海中的一个故事(比如:“他们实在太无礼了!”)引发出来的。不要停留在这个故事中:你要把注意力转向这个故事在你身上引发的感觉。

Where is the feeling located — in your chest, stomach, neck, face? What physical sensations can you notice? Stay with these feelings as long as you can, returning to them when you notice your attention going back to the story (“Why do they need to act this way?”). Stay with the feeling, and give it some compassion.

这些感觉出现在你身上的哪些部位?是胸部,腹部,颈项,还是脸部?你在这些部位注意到了什么样的感觉?你要停留在这些感觉上,时间越长越好;每当你注意到自己开始回到故事(“他们为什么要这样做?”)的时候,你就要回到身上的感觉,停留在那里,再给予这些感觉一些同情。

3. Enlarge your perspective to see their difficulty. Once you’ve stayed with the feeling for a few moments, see if you can get out of your you-centered story, and embiggen your perspective to include what the other person is going through.

扩大你的视角,看看他们的难处。在这些感觉上停留片刻之后,你要看看自己能不能放下你那个以自己为中心的故事,去扩大你的视角,看看对方所经历的遭遇。

Are they having a bad day? Are they suffering through some difficulty? Feeling fear or anger? Do you know what it’s like to go through that yourself? When you realize the other person is probably having a difficult time, struggling with something … you might find some compassion in your heart for what they’re going through, in addition to the offense you feel. This is the space you want to enter.

他们那天是不是过得不顺利?他们是不是遇到了一些困难?他们是不是觉得恐惧、愤怒?你知不知道经历这样的事情是什么样的一种体验?你虽然感到被冒犯,但是当你意识到对方可能陷入了困境的时候,你也许也会在内心深处为对方感到些许的同情。这就是你要进入的状态。

4. Ask: What is the most compassionate thing you can do for both of you? Is it having a gentle conversation with them? Is it ending the relationship so you don’t hurt each other? Is it getting a third party involved so you can resolve the situation? Is it just listening to their complaints? There are lots of options — try to consider ones that don’t originate from your anger or fear, but instead are compassionate.

问问自己:你能为彼此做出的最富同情心的事是什么呢?是不是要平心静气地与他们交谈?是不是应该为了避免互相伤害而结束这份关系?是不是应该要求第三方介入,让事情得以解决?又或是只需要听听他们抱怨就行了?可能的解决方法有很多;你要尽量考虑一些出自同情而非愤怒或恐惧的解决方法。

5. What do you need to do to respect yourself? I’m not suggesting that you be a “pushover” and let other people walk all over you. Compassion isn’t about not respecting yourself — in fact, it’s the opposite. You often need to take steps to protect yourself, so you don’t get hurt.

你需要怎么做,才能尊重自己呢?我并不是在说你必须让别人骑在你脖子上欺负你。同情他人,并不代表你必须放弃对自己的尊重;事实与此完全相反。通常情况下,你需要采取一些步骤来保护自己,这样才能避免自己受到伤害。

Or at least to speak up for yourself. It’s not compassionate to remain silent when you’re being hurt. But at the same time, you can respect yourself if you make your concerns clear in a gentle way. Or set your boundaries with the other person firmly, but without anger.

就算保护不了自己,你至少也要为自己争口气。受到伤害却保持沉默,并不是同情的行为。但是,只要你能明确、温和地说出自己的顾虑,你还是能尊重自己的。又或者,你也可以坚定(但不生气)地跟对方划清界限。

6. What’s the most loving thing you can do for them? This might be listening to them, giving them a hug, showing them that you care. But it also might be letting them go, because your relationship with them isn’t helping them.

你能为他们做出的最有爱心的事是什么呢?你也许要听听他们说话,拥抱他们,向他们表示关心。但是,你也有可能必须与他们断绝关系,因为你和他们的关系并没帮助到他们。

Or creating some space, at least for a little while, so they can have time to cool down (and you can too). There are lots of options, but considering this along with how to love and respect yourself, is where you want to be.

又或者,你可能需要至少短时间之内不联络,给他们(还有你自己)一些时间冷静下来。你能做出的爱心行为也有很多。所以,你除了想想如何爱自己、尊重自己之外,也要想想如何通过行动来爱对方;这就是你的目标。



英文原作:The Eternal Dilemma: Revenge or Forgiveness? (Zen Habits)
译者简介:搬那度,壹心理翻译社 | 译员。喜爱翻译,对心理学很感兴趣,强烈认为精神健康是一个应该公开讨论的课题。
© 本译文由壹心理翻译社译员与壹心理联合原创首发,供交流学习之用,文中内容不代表壹心理或译者立场。未经允许,不得转载。

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